Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
He kissed a someone with a penis
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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