you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
