im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
