I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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