my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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