My liver just broke up with me...
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
