I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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