It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
