you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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