My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
