i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
There's always time for handjobs
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
My dad is sitting where you rode me
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
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