Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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