I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
