Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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