I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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