Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I can't turn off my feet"
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Randomize
