i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
