I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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