You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
