You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
