I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
