So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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