I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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