She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
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