I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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