You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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