can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Wow senior week shows you new things about yourself
Is this the I'm gay speech?
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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