He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
