i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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