she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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