I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
