saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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