i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
