Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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