the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
