Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
your like the ambassador to my penis.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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