I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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