so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
