Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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