Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Randomize
