batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
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