so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
