my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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