Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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