It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
