Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
