How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
