does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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