R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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