i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
