So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
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...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
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I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
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