someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
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i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
My ATM looks so different sober.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
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On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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