Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
