...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Randomize
