is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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