wrigley field is MILF paradise
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
